Tough Love and Self Discipline
July 29th, 2007Enforcing some tough love might be the only way to teach someone about learning self discipline as hard as it might be to do. When I say tough love I am referring to loving someone so much that by not helping them might be the only way to truly help them. Tough love is the only form of love you can really give when someone refuses to help themselves. Sometimes you just cannot help someone who will not make the first move to help themselves.
Learning self discipline is something many of us achieve as time passes and as we move from one of life’s experiences to the next. In general we learn about self discipline from an early age as we overcome life’s challenges day by day. We need to face many of life’s problems on our own two feet since if our parents simply take care of our mistakes along the way, how will we ever move forward and make positive progress in our lives through facing our responsibilities and administering self discipline when ever the need arises.
Although tough love is something we often have to give to children and teenagers this is not always the case. Perhaps your wife, a close friend, your boyfriend or even a parent is in self destruct mode and will not help themselves. Your only option might be to give them a dose of tough love and hopefully this wake up call or what seems like rejection from you in their darkest hour might be the catalyst to bring them back to a real life and away from the hell they have put themselves in. We all make our own bed in life and we all deserve what we get, sometimes we get to a place that seems like hell but if we are unprepared to change our ways, how can anyone really help us.
When you know someone who is an addict of some kind, whether it be an addiction to drinking, drugs, gambling or anything else, if you don’t give them tough love, what else can you really give them. Of course you can tell them you will be there for them and help them if they let you but if they refuse to face up to their addiction and therefore their own responsibilities in life, how can you help them.
I won’t apologize for being so direct because I sincerely believe that tough love is the only answer to helping someone who will not help themselves. If you support someone in any way but they take your support and continue to hurt themselves which in turn only continues to hurt you, you need to enforce some tough love. It could break your heart to have to do this to them but if you do not you may end up allowing that person to ruin not only his or her life but destroy your life as well. Enforcing tough love might just be the hardest thing you ever have to do but if someone will not learn self discipline you need to be disciplined enough yourself to walk away from them until they will face up to their responsibilities like those who have learned self discipline.
I was quite erratic at times when I was growing up and got into all sorts of difficult situations that I had a hard time getting myself out of. This caused my parents untold grief and at times they didn’t even want to talk to me and during these difficult times I felt so alone but it was their tough love that allowed me to learn self discipline and not only improve my circumstances but get back on my feet and learn to love myself enough to know I can do anything with a little self discipline.
Those hard years are long behind me now and are not unlike what most people have to face as they grow up and learn lessons the hard way. I simply went through a difficult phase in my life that seemed like hell at the time but now that I look back on those times, it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and was put me on the road to happiness and success.
Many of the articles I write about on this website are from my own life experiences and I know how hard life can be sometimes. However, without self discipline you will never get anywhere in life and you will certainly never be happy. I would not like to have to enforce tough love on someone I cared about but I would if they would not help themselves and chances are they would love me for doing it as they learn self discipline and self love.
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July 30th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
This is a thought-provoking post, John. It is very hard to watch a friend or loved one go through difficulties, even if those difficulties are self-created. This is especially true with addictions and other self-destructive behavior.
I have found from personal experience that it is sometimes most helpful to give zero feedback on those behaviors. That means no feedback, either positive or negative. When your friend goes out drinking again, it’s okay to notice it, but commenting on it will only reinforce the behavior. As hard as it is to remain silent, it’s more helpful than trying to talk to someone who can’t hear you.
August 12th, 2007 at 2:55 am
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