Overcoming a Broken Heart
February 4th, 2007Breaking up with a long term partner can be devastating, actually let me rephrase that, breaking up with a long term partner and having your heart broken is probably the most devastating event in a person’s life. Splitting up in a relationship over the short term can also be dreadfully upsetting but having your heart broken is something else entirely. When this happens there is usually a low point that is so much lower than anything you have ever experienced before that often you will feel like you have literally no where to go. In this article I will share my own experiences and address a possible goal plan for those who reach this most awful low point and give some ideas on how to overcome a broken heart.
What has prompted me to write this article is I have a friend who is suffering from his first “real” experience in overcoming a broken heart after recently breaking up with his long term girlfriend. My friend I’d like to mention is the type of guy you would meet for the first time and instantly assume he has the world at his feet. He is very popular, he exudes a quietly confident demeanor, is well dressed, well educated, exercises regularly and looks very fit, speaks well and never uses profanity, has always been faithful to his girlfriend and is financially successful. So he really has a lot going for him but right now he is a mere shadow of his usual self while he deals with overcoming a broken heart. Without going into any detail about his personal affairs, the straightforward reason he broke up with his girlfriend was not due to anything overly dramatic, they simply grew apart after years together and their relationship just wasn’t working any longer. He told me from a logical standpoint he can accept the situation was inevitable but from an emotional standpoint it has absolutely crippled him, he has completely lost all confidence in himself in every area of his life. It’s already been a month since they parted but he still can barely eat, sleep and finds going to work and dealing with other people extremely difficult. These are all classic symptoms of overcoming a broken heart. He told me recently that he has broken up with other girls before and felt sad but never before in his life has he ever felt anything like this before and he really feels at this stage that he will never recover from his heart break. Overcoming a broken heart can be one of the greatest challenges you will ever face.
Anyone who has truly had to deal with overcoming a broken heart before will undoubtedly be able to sympathize with what my friend is going through and understands this is a most difficult time. During my early twenties I thought I had my heart broken a couple of times after spitting up with a couple of different girlfriends but I was in for a very rude awakening a few years down the track when after a number of years with the same girlfriend we broke up and seemingly overnight my whole world collapsed around me and I became entangled in the overwelming emotional pain of overcoming a broken heart. Throughout my life I had previously lost a very close family member, a couple of my friends had died, I had lost my job before, I had periods when I had no money but none of these depressing events even came close to overcoming a broken heart. It felt as though I had my heart ripped out of my chest and the more I analyzed the situation the more I came to the conclusion my life was doomed and I could see no way out of the infinitely deep whole I was in. I remember telling my mother that I will never get over this and feel like I will be living in this zombie like state for the rest of my life. My mother assured me that although she understood how terribly miserable I felt at the time, I would not only get over it in time, but the experience will make me a stronger person in the long run. I didn’t believe her at the time, but yes you guessed it, she was right like mothers usually are. My broken hearted depression seemed to go on for eternity and none of the usual things I enjoyed doing or spending time with my good friends ever seemed to have an uplifting effect anymore. I started to wonder whether overcoming a broken heart was an impossible task. I even tried dating other women but that didn’t help because all I ever thought about was my last girlfriend so eventually I made a plan.
Instead of spending time wallowing in my own self pity I decided to focus on what I really wanted out of life. At this stage all I wanted to be was happy again, I didn’t really care about the future, that can come later, all I wanted was to wake up and feel happy and have something to look forward to. So that’s exactly what I did. I made a plan and set goals to get me back on the road to happiness once and for all and deal with the pain of overcoming a broken heart.
The first part of the plan was to stop thinking about the past. I had no control over the past and whenever I thought about it I felt miserable so I got a short but clear mental movie image or visualization in my head of how I wanted my life to be and then got into the habit of playing this mental movie in my mind whenever the demons from the past entered my thoughts. It took a while for this to become a new habit while I was still overcoming a broken heart but after a few weeks I spent much more time thinking about what I wanted instead of thinking about what I didn’t want. Wow, it was starting to work and I could just see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and that was what I aimed for. This is when I started to get back to my usual routine of working out, spending time with friends and going for long walks. Exercising is a great way to clear your body and mind of all the built up negative energy by pumping fresh blood through your system and washing all those depressing emotions away.
I can only speak for myself regarding this delicate and emotional topic of how to overcome a broken heart but at the time, the words of encouragement from my family and friends just didn’t help, sure it was nice to hear but it didn’t have any effect on making me feel better. When you are suffering from a broken heart it doesn’t help to jump into bed with someone else, that might feel like a short term solution but it won’t transpire into a positive long term result. You need to go inside, into your own mind and face your fears, face the pain knowing that others, many others have been through this before you and come out on top. As easy as it is for me to say, things will get better and you will get over it, it is the truth and if you can clear your pain for just a moment you know intuitively this is true. Overcoming a broken heart will make you a better and more resilient person, there is no doubt about it.
In hindsight when I look back on that period in my life I remember how painful it was while I learnt to deal with how to overcome a broken heart, in fact it is something I will never forget. However, my mother was right, I didn’t just get over it, I became so much more emotionally stronger than I could ever have hoped to be if I had never gone through the painful experience of overcoming a broken heart. I have had other break ups with girls I have seen for varying lengths of time since but never again have I ever felt like that. A broken heart not only strengthens you emotionally, it makes you a better and more compassionate person. Although I wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone, it is probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me and yes it’s easy to say in hindsight when I’m no longer in pain but I’m grateful to have gone through a broken heart and come out on top. After overcoming a broken heart I feel as though I could do just about anything.
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February 5th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Hi,
Very heart warming post. I too can related to what you have written. I used to hate it when people say, “with time you will get over it”. The truth is day by day it gets easier as much as i hate to admit it.
Sham
February 18th, 2007 at 4:26 am
Hi!
Thanks for the article, it was very helpful. Even though it’s been already three months since…i’ve been there and not totally recovered. Keep up with your nice work!
Maya
March 5th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
I really enjoyed this article John. Thanks for submitting it to the carnival of good stuff.
April 25th, 2007 at 7:46 am
Thankyou for sharing these thoughts.
After decades of marriage, I feel like my heart is broken for good and may never heal.
your story has given me a glimmer of hope.
Thankyou,
Gloria
July 27th, 2007 at 2:20 am
[…] wanted to write about moving on in general since I have previously written an article on overcoming a broken heart. The act of moving on from a relationship with a lover, a family member or a friend is often […]
September 20th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
My partner recently left me and I’m going through the broken heart feelings right now, so this article was especially relevent to me at the moment. This is the first time i’ve experienced it and I can tell you it is the worst feeling ever.
Everything you wrote John I’m experiencing and I really appreciate your words.
October 12th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
your friend is what people describe me of myself. I’ve never had problems in attracting women, etc etc..But the truth is it doesn’t matter what positive personal attributes you have. some friends look at me in amazement that i’ve taking it so badly(though they’ve ben very supportive).They say things lke girls fall at you feet and so on. But when your heart is broken its broken.My partner left me after thinking she was miss perfect. Its one month on & i’m still devestated. Though within myself i know i can’t beating myself on ‘if onlys’. Nothing at the moment motivates me. My mum has been my rock.I think i spend at least an hour a day on the phone with her! Your article is probably the best i’ve read on the net as i feel i can relly relate to it..I wish i could just fast forward in time & escape these minutes & hours..
December 8th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
I am 4 months on from my terribly mesy break-up leaving me with 2 heart broken children. I look forward to the day that I can honestly say that this experience has made me stronger. Right now, I still feel as though my right arm is missing. I had heard of people being broken hearted yet dismissed it, not knowing how awful and powerful the emotion is. Maybe next year I will reflect and think to myself ‘ what the hell was that all about…’
March 1st, 2008 at 6:25 pm
[…] Simply existing or continuing in an unhappy and unrewarding relationship can be one of the most miserable experiences anybody can face. Breaking up might initially seem like a very lonely option but when you are courageous enough to take the big step and spilt up, you will eventually realize a world full of potential options open up for you that would never become apparent while you continued in a lifeless relationship with an incompatible partner. I have written about this in overcoming a broken heart. […]